ETERNAL DORY’S RATING:
In a world thirsting for cinematic masterpieces, “Madame Web” attempts to quench that thirst with a squirt gun of underwhelming narrative choices and a splash of clairvoyant heroism that barely wets the palate. Imagine, if you will, a universe where the essence of Marvel’s mystique is distilled into a concoction that tastes suspiciously like it was brewed by a group of undergrads during a late-night cram session. Yes, “Madame Web” spins a web so fragile that even a gentle critique could shatter its very foundation.
The film introduces us to Cassandra “Cassie” Webb, portrayed by Dakota Johnson, who is essentially carrying the entire movie on her shoulders like Atlas, if Atlas decided to venture into acting instead of globe-trotting. Cassie’s backstory involves her mother’s spider-centric research in the Amazon—a plot twist so riveting it became the punchline of internet memes faster than you can say “copy-pasta.” This tragic origin story grants Cassie clairvoyance and a brooding demeanor that makes her New York City’s least enthusiastic paramedic, with a penchant for Chinese food and a disdain for anything remotely resembling family. It’s 2024 and someone still thought “family issues” were an unexplored goldmine in superhero cinema.
The dialogue in “Madame Web” is a marvel of mundanity, delivering lines so uninspired that they make real-life conversations sound like Shakespearean soliloquies. It’s as if the characters were competing to see who could express the most clichéd sentiment, with Dakota Johnson’s Cassie winning by default because, frankly, she’s the only one who seems to be trying.
As for the supporting cast, the film throws in a trio of future Spider-Women portrayed by actresses so fresh-faced you’d think the casting call was held at a high school drama club. These young talents wander through the plot with the kind of mismatched energy that makes you wonder if they accidentally wandered onto the wrong movie set. Their portrayals feel less like nuanced characters and more like placeholders for actual personalities, with each actress struggling to breathe life into their two-dimensional roles.
The villain of the piece, Ezekiel Sims, is a cardboard cutout of a bad guy, complete with generic ambitions and a villainous monologue so bland it could double as a sleep aid. His presence in the film is as forgettable as his motivations.
“Madame Web” somehow manages to cram two hours’ worth of content into a space that could have comfortably been filled in 30 minutes, leaving viewers to marvel at the sheer audacity of its pacing decisions. The film insists on including Spider-Man adjacent characters in a way that feels as forced as a cameo in a soap opera, diluting its own potential with unnecessary connections to a wider universe.
In a surprising turn of events, the most creatively executed aspect of the film involves Cassie’s clairvoyant visions, depicted with a flair that almost makes you forget you’re watching a film that feels like a parody of itself. Director S.J. Clarkson’s bad execution makes the movie even worse with her amateur cinematic perspective. Scenes are disconnected and falling apart, and the shots, lacking artistic vision, make the film feel disintegrating.
“Madame Web” presents itself as a beacon of untapped potential in a sea of superhero films, yet it flounders with the grace of a fish out of water. Dakota Johnson does her utmost to steer the sinking ship with a performance that deserves a better vehicle, while the rest of the cast flails in the turbulent waters of a script that seems determined to undermine their efforts at every turn.
As the credits roll, one can’t help but look forward to a future where “Madame Web” is a distant memory, perhaps fondly recalled in the same way one reminisces about a bad dream. It leaves audiences with a longing for a return to the days when superhero movies were about heroism and spectacle, not about how many plot holes one can weave into a narrative web. In the end, “Madame Web” serves as a cautionary tale—a reminder that not all that glitters in the Marvel universe is gold, and that sometimes, even the most promising of premises can be ensnared in a web of mediocrity.
THE END
Read more Madam Web’s reviews at: https://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/madame_web
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Phu is the Head Writer at Eternal Dory, where his pen dives into the latest global trends and news in knowledge, graphic design, metaphysics, and entertainment. He has a knack for highlighting the fun aspects of his subjects, lightening the mood. Phu’s academic background is in Graphic Design, focusing on Animation and Motion Graphics.
